Your dad touched me again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
