Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
