i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come back. Shots need mouths.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
