I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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