Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
