Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
