Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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