it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
