You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Too much gin, very little bucket
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
