i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
