Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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