Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
