fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Four minutes until I can fart!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
