I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
