Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
