U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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