my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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