Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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