I haven't been this sober since birth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
