I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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