im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
