Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I stole a fireplace last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
