Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
