so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
