they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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