All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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