she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
