worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
