I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
