I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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