So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
