I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
