I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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