I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
