M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
