atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
