Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
as a side note pls kill me
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