I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
