I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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