Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
