chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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