Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
