some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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