Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
