I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
