Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
