so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Come share oat with me in your robe
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
