i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
