I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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