Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
