I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
