i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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